Everyone Needs a Dr. Danielle: Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT)

Background

By spring of 2021 I was losing my mind. Literally, losing it. I didn’t want to be around anyone except my immediate family and close friends. I refused to host family gatherings. I was desperate for alone time with Dave but refused to let anyone watch Bobby overnight, let alone, for an entire weekend. We were almost a year into what we thought was the longest year of our lives.

I know what you are probably thinking. “Why didn’t you just leave him with his grandparents. He would’ve been fine.”

But I wouldn’t have been. There is no way on earth I would’ve enjoyed even a second of my time with Dave. Back in March, just thinking about leaving Bobby with someone else created a whole new level of anxiety for me.

Bobby is the brightest, most energetic, caring and emotional 5-year-old on the planet (at least in our eyes). He’s never been the “easy” child. Doesn’t need much sleep to function, and never has. Impulse control, well, if you know him – I don’t need to explain any further. For those who have never met Bobby – his “episodes” can last for upwards of two hours. And no, I am not exaggerating.

We were at a breaking point. Dave and I didn’t know how to help our son.

I felt like I was failing Bobby. Truly failing him. And then, one morning, I had a complete breakdown in the kitchen, as B was eating breakfast. Completely broke down. Bobby had never seen me shed tears like that before. I was sobbing and holding him. He was scared and didn’t know what to say. He hugged me and said, “I love you mommy,” over and over again.

I knew we couldn’t help him on our own. I knew we needed help.

Our Children Are Suffering

According to the Milbank Supported Report: Behavioral Health Integration in Pediatric Primary Care: Considerations and Opportunities for Policymakers, Planners, and Providers, “Nearly one in seven children aged 2 to 8 years in the United States has a mental, behavioral, or developmental disorder.” Further, “among children and adolescents aged 9 to 17 years, as many as one in five may have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder. Yet not a single state in the country has an adequate supply of child psychiatrists, and 43 states are considered to have a severe shortage.“

How is the possible? I ask myself this on a daily basis.

Twenty-Eight

This past spring, I called 28 therapists. Sitting at my kitchen table, with a list I received from our health insurance, I dialed number after number. I didn’t care if we found a place in-network or out-of-network, in Maryland, DC, or Virginia. My son needed help, Dave and I needed help.

We are highly educated, capable parents who know how and where to look for help, who can pay for services to treat Bobby…and us. How often is this not the case? How many children suffer because their parents cannot afford treatment or are simply overwhelmed with the thought of their child needing help. As a nation we can and must do better.

Back to our story

Insert Dr. Danielle Willis Gill.

I cannot express the joy I felt when Ashley called me back and informed us we were now on Dr. Willis Gill’s waitlist. She was very realistic with me. It could be four weeks or more before we could get on her schedule. I didn’t care how long we had to wait – step one was complete; we had a therapist for Bobby.

I remember waiting, and waiting, and waiting. In the words of author Mo Willems, “Waiting Is Not Easy!” But “worth the wait.”

Sometime in May, I received the call we had been waiting for, letting me know Bobby had a space on Dr. Wills’ schedule. It was one of the best days of our lives (insert music). We have moved on to step two – treatment.

I’ll be honest, at first Dave and I were skeptical. All of our sessions with Dr. Danielle would be virtual. How could this possibly work for a child who was already struggling with being in front of a computer for hours a day?

Boy, were we wrong. So very wrong.

PCIT

So, ever heard of PCIT? Before securing Bobby a spot with Dr. Danielle I had never heard this acronym before. Of course, once I found out this was the type of therapy he was going to receive, I phoned one of my best friends, and psychologists, Dr. Cat. She could not have been more excited to hear that Bobby’s therapist was certified in PCIT. Apparently, this is the “gold standard” for behavior therapy. Hallelujah!

As far as I’m concerned, every parent, educator, and caregiver should receive Parent Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT). Lifechanging. Absolutely lifechanging.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it – shit was hard (and still is). Dave and I put a ton of work into our parenting routine, styles etc. A ton of work. We have learned how to be the parents Bobby needs. The parents we want to be. How changing one simple word or phrase can make all the difference. Dr. Danielle is more than just a psychologist. She has been our coach, mentor, lifesaver. And has spent hours with our family – helping us, coaching us on how to interact with Bobby to decrease tantrums & outbursts and providing more guidance than I ever expected.

At this point, You are probably wondering how PCIT works:

Our “coaching” sessions were 100% virtual. Dr. Danielle would give us tasks, I would wear Bluetooth headphones and listen to cues. She would observe and we would debrief. Truly providing in-the-moment coaching on skills we were learning to use in order to manage Bobby’s behavior.

While I could do an entire series on PCIT here are the basics:

Phase 1: The first phase of treatment focuses on establishing warmth in your relationship with your child through learning and applying skills proven to help children feel calm, secure in their relationships with their parents, and good about themselves.

Phase 2: The second phase of treatment will equip you to manage the most challenging of your child’s behaviors while remaining confident, calm, and consistent in your approach to discipline. In this phase, you will learn proven strategies to help your child accept your limits, comply with your directions, respect house rules, and demonstrate appropriate behavior in public.

Labeled Praise & Pride Skills (I’m really good at this- Dr. Danielle can vouch for me here)

Pride Skills Stand For: Praise, Reflect, Imitate, Describe & Enjoyment or Enthusiasm. You are NOT allowed to ask questions during this purposeful playtime – 100% the hardest part for Dave. This playtime only needs to last 5 minutes but by no means do you need to stop after just 5 minutes. I’ve done it for upwards of 30 minutes with Bobby. And yes, it’s exhausting but makes such a difference.

The graphic below is from the UC Davis PCIT & PC-CARE Training Center.

Pride Skills Visual Download

We Can See (and feel) The Light

To say that our lives were changed when we met Dr. Danielle would be an understatement.

She has worked with us, hand-in-hand, side-by-side since day one of treatment. When we needed her, she was there for us, even on her days off.

Is Bobby’s behavior “perfect?” Absolutely not, but there’s nothing perfect about any child.

Do we still have work to do – Yes

Do Dave and I still struggle – Yes

Do we have to work on our strategies every single day – Yes

Is it worth it – 100% Yes

Can we leave Bobby overnight now – Yes

Can I relax and enjoy time alone time with my husband again – Yes

We have seen such a change in Bobby (and ourselves) over the past 7 months. Such a change. And more importantly, Bobby recognizes how he is changing and growing.

Quick Wrap-Up

You are not alone.

Know you are not alone.

My hope is that this post will help another family struggling. Will help parents realize there are options available to them and their children. Options they may have ever heard of before.

This will not be the last time I write about PCIT but for now, here are some resources to explore and share with your network